Hey loves. It's been a month since I've blogged. Sometimes it takes me a while to write to you guys because I am painfully shy and I truly can't believe I share so much with you. Sometimes I get so shy and I crawl back in to my shell and tuck my shell away in a dark cave... but I'm back with a juicy story and a life lesson.
So, I wanna tell you guys about one of the best days of my life... The day I divorced my ex husband.
3 years of marriage and I truly didn't realize how unhappy I was until I left. Us women tend to "make the most" of situations and don't even realize how much of ourselves we are sacrificing and changing,, ultimately resulting in a person we don't even recognize or know anymore. That was my case.
Before marrying said ex husband, I was a devout and straight laced muslimah. I was in the masjid every single day, and wouldn't leave until I prayed Isha (the 5th and last required daily prayer for muslims). I studied and went to classes. I dressed the part, never showing my stuff off (method man voice). I was happy, felt beautiful, and felt as though I was exactly where I belonged.
After a year of marriage I gained 100 pounds, my hair fell out, my skin was atrocious, I was sad and angry all the time, I stopped studying, started losing my faith, stopped going to the masjid, slowed down my prayers, and even worse I suddenly became sick all the time (aches, pains, colds and flu, and lots more). I looked in the mirror and would cry at what I saw. I ultimately became a very angry person. I was a nightmare to my husband and anyone around me. It was safe to say I was completely miserable.
I had a feeling it was the marriage but it was hard to see clearly as I kept lying to myself and started believing my lies that "my husband was a good man".
One day, I got in from work and out of concern for my deen/religion, I asked him "why don't we pray anymore?", this asshole responds and says "I pray every day, in the bedroom, without you"... I was divorced within 15 minutes from the moment he said those words.
It was like every evil thing he did and was doing became extremely visible in that moment. I couldn't believe the man I called my husband for 3 years was sneaking away and praying without me. *for all non muslims, this is a major no no and considered extremely wrong and disrespectful*... It was then that I realized all the damage I ALLOWED him to do. I got fat and ugly and my hair fell out and I was sad and miserable and suddenly mean and worst of all, I lost my religion. My beloved Islam was no longer in my heart. I was livid!!
After the divorce I WAS SOOOOOO HAPPY. I was skipping around and smiling and laughing and I was kind and considerate. I lost 60 pounds immediately, my skin cleared up and my hair started growing. I looked fucking good. I felt absolutely amazing. I couldn't believe I was in such a dark and clouded situation.
Unfortunately my passion and love for Islam never truly returned. Although I still practice and consider myself Muslim, the things my ex did made me look at Muslim men different. It made me look at brothers and sisters in Islam differently. It made me question everything. How could a man who spent his entire life studying Islam and spent most of his days and nights in the masjid be so cruel and inconsiderate? How could my in-laws treat me so cold and mean when they were also devout muslims? Although I am smart enough to know all muslims aren't the same, and Muslims should not determine how one looks at Islam as a religion, it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I was born Muslim but never truly practiced until I was 30. I fell in love with Islam and every single detail. But they ruined my flawless perception of what I considered Islam and Muslims to be. *To all the Muslims reading this, my apologies, I am simply being honest*
Although I lost my passion for Islam due to my marriage, I've gained Bahiyah back after my divorce. I haven't been this passionate about love and life in years. I exercise daily and feel fit and fabulous. I eat better so I feel healthier. My hair is fuller than its been in 3 years. My skin is glowing. I am in a committed and loving relationship with someone who clearly knows my worth. I am HAPPY!!!
I say alllll of that to say... Don't waste your years and sanity on an empty relationship that's going nowhere fast. Don't let desperation for a relationship/marriage/companionship allow you to lose all that you love including yourself. We all know how good it feels to have a significant other but we need to get familiar with how good it feels to love ourselves and go hard for ourselves and to put us FIRST!! So many of my sisters and some brothers are so miserable and stagnated. Stuck. Lost. Ugly fat and pimple faced. All for what we think is love.
The happiest day of my life was walking away from that man and our marriage. Go ahead and make that choice, if necessary, and also experience the happiest day of your life.
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The Chronicles of Bee Darling!
P.S. I write these stories because I needed these stories throughout life. I write these stories because I get 51946329 emails after I post screaming "Thank You Bee, I needed that".
I write these stories for my sisters, brothers, friends, family and enemies so they don't have to go through what I've been through and can make better decisions than me.
That is all